Wednesday, August 17, 2011

dear blank, please blank. part two.

Dear Nazis,
You did what?!?! I said I hate JUICE!
Sincerely, Hitler

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely, 1985

Dear Mary,
Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of hand.
Sincerely, Joseph

Dear Voldemort,
So they screwed up your nose too?
Sincerely, Michael Jackson

Dear Voldemort,
A couple of lies would take care of that.
Sincerely, Pinocchio

Dear reality TV shows,
Please explain why you have a "writer."
Sincerely, shouldn't it be... reality?

Dear Sirius Black,
What's your middle name?
Sincerely, I hope it's Lee

Dear Fork,
I understand that we haven't spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is spork. He has your hair.
Sincerely, Spoon

Dear Obama,
I'm really happy for you and imma let you finish, but Franklin D Roosevelt had one of the best economic recoveries of all time. Of all time!
Sincerely, Kanye West

Dear God,
Please give us Heath Ledger back, we'll let you have Robert Pattinson.
Sincerely, anonymous.

Dear Men,
If we have to have periods every month, you guys should be kicked in the balls once a month.
Sincerely, Women

Dear Americans,
We totally agree with you about illegal immigration. Please allow us to show you to the nearest airport.
Sincerely, Native Americans

Dear Miley,
Wow, this is awkward. You weren't invited...
Sincerely, The USA

Dear William and Kate,
If William is 100% royal and Kate is 0% royal, will that make your son the half-blood prince?
Sincerely, curious.

Dear Harry,
It's a good thing we're not related; your name would be Harry Longbottom.
Sincerely, Neville

Dear unborn son,
Please note that your name will be Luke purely so I can say "Luke, I am your Father" when you question my authority.
Sincerely, soon to be father.

Dear 2011,
We thought you would have flying cars and robots by now, but congrats on the backwards robes and rubber bands shaped like animals...
Sincerely, 1950.

Dear Sex Educators,
Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.
Sincerely, The Virgin Mary

Dear Google Image Search,
That WAS NOT what I was looking for.
Sincerely, Scarred for Life

Dear phone,
...no, I actually didn't want to ask my mom if she can throw my penis in the dryer. I meant pants.
Sincerely, dang you autocorrect!

Dear Facebook ads,
I do need a free iPad, a boob job, a new man in my life, a sorority house, and a toaster!
Sincerely, how did you know?!

Dear customers buying condoms,
You know that dirty look you think I'm giving you? Yeah, it's all in your head.
Sincerely, cashiers don't care.

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