You did what?!?! I said I hate JUICE!
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of hand.
So they screwed up your nose too?
Sincerely, Michael Jackson
A couple of lies would take care of that.
Dear reality TV shows,
Please explain why you have a "writer."
Sincerely, shouldn't it be... reality?
Dear Sirius Black,
What's your middle name?
Sincerely, I hope it's Lee
I understand that we haven't spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is spork. He has your hair.
I'm really happy for you and imma let you finish, but Franklin D Roosevelt had one of the best economic recoveries of all time. Of all time!
Sincerely, Kanye West
Please give us Heath Ledger back, we'll let you have Robert Pattinson.
If we have to have periods every month, you guys should be kicked in the balls once a month.
We totally agree with you about illegal immigration. Please allow us to show you to the nearest airport.
Sincerely, Native Americans
Wow, this is awkward. You weren't invited...
Sincerely, The USA
Dear William and Kate,
If William is 100% royal and Kate is 0% royal, will that make your son the half-blood prince?
It's a good thing we're not related; your name would be Harry Longbottom.
Dear unborn son,
Please note that your name will be Luke purely so I can say "Luke, I am your Father" when you question my authority.
Sincerely, soon to be father.
We thought you would have flying cars and robots by now, but congrats on the backwards robes and rubber bands shaped like animals...
Dear Sex Educators,
Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.
Sincerely, The Virgin Mary
Dear Google Image Search,
That WAS NOT what I was looking for.
Sincerely, Scarred for Life
...no, I actually didn't want to ask my mom if she can throw my penis in the dryer. I meant pants.
Sincerely, dang you autocorrect!
Dear Facebook ads,
I do need a free iPad, a boob job, a new man in my life, a sorority house, and a toaster!
Sincerely, how did you know?!
Dear customers buying condoms,
You know that dirty look you think I'm giving you? Yeah, it's all in your head.
Sincerely, cashiers don't care.